The Darker Side of Waiting…

[Crossposted from shadesong’s LiveJournal, because it made me think about something I used to think about al ot more than I do these days:]

I’ve always operated on the idea that It Will Come When It’s Time. Personal emotional/spiritual/intellectual enlightment (I tend to see them as being more closely related than ascetics do) always seems to be a spur for improved romantic/physical interaction in my life. Several times in my life I was saddened to realize that despite how much I felt I had grown, there were, as it turned out, more rungs ahead. And I hate letting lovers go. Hatehatehate. So no one is more resentful and counterproductive about personal growth than I am. I almost completely fail to get the point if it costs me That Special Someone (Who Was Better Than Anyone Ever Before).

But still, the inner work truly does seem to be the key to improving your reception of the possibilty of better partners and lovers. They almost seem to flock as you open new doors in yourself, don’t they?

My biggest weakness has always been fear of ‘Fatal Hesitation’. Chris deBurgh kicked me right in the heartstrings with that one when I was a teen, and I still haven’t shaken it. Scares me even more than the prospect of ‘Losing a Good Thing’, because I don’t. I lose lovers because it just wasn’t right anymore. Still burns me up inside. I like to Make Things Work, no matter how blind it makes me. But when I finally stop denying and realize it’s not mine to save anymore, I take the good stuff with me and try to carefully pack the sorrow and misery away in cottonballs under the Lessons Learned catagory, and chalk it up to the Less-Travelled Path and all that.

But nothing spooks me more than imagining sitting in an old, quiet, dry and lonely place and thinking back about The One That Got Away. That particular ghoully-ghost has made me jump into more relationships, good or bad, than anything else. Not the fear of being alone so much as the fear that I’ll Never Know If That Was The One.

You see, I’m the sort who believes in who I am, and is content that I can be whatever I wish to be. But I am personally convinced that my ability to achieve that in my life is directly linked to my relationships with the people I allow to get closest to me. I can affect all sorts of neat things inside of my universe, but in the greater cosmology of the universe we share, I’m the sort who needs accomplices. People who know me. People who see my Inner Light. People who love me. Some folks are built for forcing their view of themselves on others, winning respect, accolades, fame, fortune or power to themselves by some combination of sheer luck and sheer willpower, and more often than not an ability to spin their relationships so that hte people who helped them achieve greatness do not presume to have been a part of that magic trick, because sHe Did It All Their Way. That’s not how I’m built. That’s why I don’t go to the head of the class. The class is geared towards propelling those whose souls are more aerodynamically proportioned to move up and into the thinner layers of the stratosphere. I can breathe in thin air too, but I enjoy being loved too much to pass my people by.

And very often, the greatest agent of change and growth and success in my life is That Special Someone. They always show up just as things are turning around, or just when things need to turn around. They come when they know that it’s time. I see them, but I don’t look for them. The ones I have sought out have always been for nought. I either can’t have them or they can’t have me, or something disasterous happens that can’t be reconciled in their hearts, and they flee. But That Special Someone… my Partner… theonewhowillwalkwithmeinthegardenattheendoftime… I will always have time for her. Make time… always.

L o L,
realizing he missed a point or two, here and elsewhere, but figures he’s good for it.