Ever had a feeling that things in your life were going to change, even though virtually everything happening seems to contradict that assumption? I’ve been sort of living like that for the last month, give or take a few days. Not so much dreaming of the Shiny New Future so much as sensing possibilities where there were none before. The grumbly bit is simply that I can’t see where I’m going yet.
But a number of things have changed. For starters, I’ve begun arguing again. Not kvetching or picking fights without cause, but standing my ground as it’s encroached upon. I’m not being a deliberate ass just to get my way. It’s more that I’m starting to take back my sense of self-worth, and am less inclined to acquiesce simply because I can’t seem to win an argument. I’m not as concerned about winning as I am about stating my case, making sure people know where I stand. Damn the consequences.
I don’t think that signifies a permanent change. I’m a pretty non-confrontational type by temperament. But it does demonstrate a real shift in my perception of myself and the value of my thoughts and feelings. I’m starting to find my voice again, after a great deal of time of more or less talking to myself (with a very small circle of close friends listening on). I’m not sure that what I’ve chosen as my inaugural discussion is really that important, but it seems vitally important to me that I establish some sort of beachhead in the realm of New Media. I’m still trying to decide how to do this practically.
There seem to be a number of possibilities in front of me, and it seems fairly clear to me that I don’t have to pick just one. However, there are some very narrow windows open right now that demand things of me I’m not sure I’m prepared to fulfill just now. Things I want to do, but that I’m not happy rushing. The rewards for committing to these challenges at this time aren’t inconsiderable. However, my feeble brainmeats are kind of running in a pretty deep furrow at the moment, and it makes thinking in other tracks difficult at the moment. The part of me that sits and judges these things suspects that maintaining course is the most beneficial to me at the moment, and yet these opportunities may never come again.
Rereading this post, it sounds like I’m a bit stoned, not really making any sense. Specifics are just a little difficult to talk about right now. It’s 8:30 a.m., and this morning’s caffeine hasn’t punched in yet.
I posted a new article on the IS blog last night. A few people checked out the page. Well, something like 64 of them, at last count. No new comments. No subscriptions. No ‘like’s. I’m encouraged, but not stoked. Is this really happening, or am I making too much of fluffy metrics? Is there a point where the fantasy football numbers start to represent real growth in readership?
I do notice that the numbers die down when all I have to post are non-event reports, unless I’m wittily explaining why the article-to-come is not done yet. Random readers will check in to see what I’m doing if they’ve been assured there’s a good reason why the show hasn’t started yet. Sometimes you get George Burns. Sometimes you get Ed Sullivan. *shrug*
I find myself looking forward to things again, even though the external signs aren’t really all that different than they were back in the winter when I was deeply depressed and losing sight of my future. I’m one of those people that needs to feel forward momentum, creatively, or I start to choke on the carbon monoxide fumes produced from spinning my own wheels.
And am I the only one I know who wants to hear the new Yes album, even though it doesn’t have Jon Anderson on it? I love Jon, but as has been proven demonstrably over the last four decades, no one person is indispensable to Yes (including you, Chris Squire; ABWH wasn’t a success because it had your blessing and/or input, you know? And let’s face it, not all of the best albums recorded under the Yes banner have had equal input from you, either. Get some perspective). Yes is an aesthetic; an idea; a form of pooling ideas to create a certain kind of music. Some contributors understand that better than others, but whatever stylistic changes may occur, Yes music is always elegant, intricate, and lofty, while maintaining a strong Rock ‘n’ Roll groove, which cannot be said of most other bands, progressive or otherwise.
One day, I will finally record that progressive rock album that’s been lurking around in the back of my head, waiting for me to learn how to play it. Perhaps one day I will also find fellow travellers who want to help me go in that direction. It’s been a while since I last felt like I had like-minded musical allies. A band is more than a handful of misfits with noise-makers agreeing to play the same song. It’s a cabal with a manifesto, even if the manifesto is merely a restatement of the time-honoured maxim, Get Up and Get Down!
This tea is starting to work. And it tells me to stop yammering. Good tea. Good morning. Enjoy the weekend, gang.